@wendys is your internet friend who happens to hawk cheeseburgers made with fresh, never frozen beef. And the funny thing about friends is that the closer you are to them, the meaner to them you can be. As long as it’s funny.

So, once a year, Wendy’s hosts National Roast Day, a made up holiday on Twitter when we roast people who ask us to. I wrote some roasts. For better or worse, this is my creative pinnacle to date. Here are my best ones; please clap.